I wanna find You .. in every season.

The dictionary says that a season is a "division of the year." Most of us learned all about the four seasons in elementary school (although, I don't think South Carolina has 4 distinct seasons), but this is going to be about a different type of season. As I think back over the "division of the years" of my life, I think of being in school, falling in love with Haiti, finishing college, finding my "person", finishing graduate school, getting married, landing a great job ... all of these wonderful seasons that (of course) were not exactly perfect, but shaped me into who I am.

Right now, I am walking through a season that is not like any other season I have ever been through. I am walking through a season of grief. (Ok, honestly, walking may be an exaggeration because most days I feel like I am crawling through this season.) Most days I find myself going through the routines of life, yet I feel completely empty inside, like I will never be "me" again. Like I will never find my way out of this season. Like I will always be stuck in this "fog" of a dream that I am wishing I could wake up from.

Being a person with very, very deep-rooted faith, walking through the "valley of the shadow" has been extremely different than what I expect it to be. In a time when I should be clinging to my faith for life, I find myself feeling very disconnected from the source that I know is carrying me through each moment. I am going to be very truthful, because I don't feel like enough people are talking about this pain, and I don't know why. Well, yes, I guess I do, because part of me feels the fear that I would be willing to bet they have. The whole idea of need to be a "strong, good Christian," because if I am not, there won't be a good testimony is wrong. So wrong. Because, friends, the testimony in grief is not that we are "so strong in our faith" that it didn't overwhelm us, the testimony to be found in grief is being able to fully understand the promises of God. The promise that tells us that He will never leave us or forsake us. The promise that tells us He gives peace that passes all understanding. The promise that this life is temporary, and Heaven is our true home. The promise that even though we do not understand, He will reveal things to us in His timing. You see, if I wasn't walking through the "valley," then I would not be having the chance to experience those promises in such a deep, raw way.

God is our comforter. He provides us with "consolation after a loss or disappointment." Truthfully, during the past four weeks, I have experience both a loss and a disappointment. A loss in the death of my dear baby cousin, and also a disappointment that Pierce didn't receive his miracle. I haven't seen God in this. Not in any of it. But, friends, I also haven't looked. I wonder if God is frustrating-ly chuckling at me, as I sometimes do with Drew, when he absolutely can't find something, but probably can't find it because he hasn't taken proper time to look for it. Of course, in those moments "super wife" swoops in and finds whatever it is in two seconds. (Except the remotes, those things hide themselves, I tell you.)


As many of you know, growing up my favorite Bible verse was Jeremiah 29:11. For some reason, I stumbled across it tonight, and decided to keep reading. I don't know why, in the hundreds of times I have read this verse, I didn't read further down the chapter before. But, I know that God revealed this to me tonight, because I needed a fresh revelation of who He is and how He loves me. Jeremiah 29:11-13 (The Message) - ¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. ¹⁴ I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity.

I discovered in my grief group this week that God's comfort is always extended to us, but we have to choose to put ourselves in a place to receive it. When we pray for God's comfort, He won't leave us hanging, no, dear friends, He will come to us. Wherever we are, which is a good thing considering that I feel like I am in a dark pit, and He will bring us back from captivity (and this includes the imprisonment of deep, deep grief). I have chosen to not look for God in this season, because I find it impossible to think I could find Him in the midst of my loss and disappointment, but I have been doing it wrong. Because even in the moments when tears fill my eyes, overwhelming sadness invades my thoughts, and I feel like I will never find joy again, God has given me something to trust in. And that is Him.

Knowing God, and His comfort, may not take away the ache my heart feels, but it will support me during the process of grief. He is our comforter, and I need to put myself in a place (mentally and spiritually) to receive that comfort.  Honestly, right now, I am not sure how to do that, or when I will choose to, and that is OK, because I know that He will be there ready to meet me wherever I am. He is ready to meet you wherever you are, too. You just have to look.