Fourteen Lessons from Fourteen Days without You.

Two weeks ago at 4:10 a.m., my dearest friend left this earth for a greater place. If I am honest with you, waking up on that Sunday afternoon, I wasn’t sure that I would make it to this day. I had no clue how I could possibly continue on with life after being slapped in the face by the reality of cancer. The reality that meant my sweet Pierce was gone. I typed a note on my phone that afternoon, probably around this time, and have followed that same routine each day. I want to share them with you today, because in the days following Pierce’s death I have search and searched the internet for a “magic” lesson, Scripture or prayer to get me through this, and (mostly) came up empty handed. Grief is very personal, and there isn’t a simple fix to get through losing someone you love, but maybe, just maybe there is someone searching for that today and if so, I pray these lessons help you on your road to feeling “OK” again.

Grief is a deep, dark pit. When I think of grief, the first thing that comes to my mind is a pit dug in the ground. I feel like this pit is a place of surrender, but not the good type of surrender, the type of surrender that causes us to want to give up on life. I stayed for a while in that pit, but soon realized that … .

We can’t stay in the pit forever. This is going to be one of the most transparent things that I have ever written, and I guess this second lesson is a good place to start with that, because there are days that I want to stay in the pit. If you’ve experienced loss, I would be willing to bet that there are days when you’ve wanted to stay in the pit as well. The amazing thing about life though, is that it keeps going. I remember walking into Wal-Mart the first time after Piece died and being so confused by people living life around me, when mine had just fallen apart. I remember wanting to just sit on the floor on the linen aisle and surrender to the pit. But, we can’t. We can’t stay in the pit forever.

Praise gets us out of the pit. I am truly still working on this. Choosing to praise God with a broken heart feels absolutely impossible and silly. However, I know that even in the darkest moments of being in the pit, praise is my way out.

Memories are the best medicine. Thinking about Pierce, and all of our times together, brings me comfort. Comfort in knowing that even if his life was too short, and even though we lost him “out of time,” that the years we had together are full of some of my favorite memories.

Raisins in trash is a bad idea. One of Pierce and I’s favorite things to do together was to make TV Trash (similar to Chex Mix). We have spent many hours in our Aunt Peggy’s kitchen shaking, stirring, and (of course) sampling our “secret” family recipe. Neither of us helped make the Christmas batch of trash, and somehow raisins ended up in there. I didn’t eat any of it until the week after Piece died, and I literally laughed out loud thinking of what he would have said about our recipe being altered.

Pierce shines on me every day. I know that thought sounds very cliché (and if there is anything I have learned during this process, it is how much cliché things bother me), but I truly know that he does. Sometimes he shows up through my radio when the perfect song plays at exactly the right moment, or other times he show up in my office as a warm ray of sunshine. Most recently, he showed up during my evening walk as I looked down at the pavement and noticed many shimmering reflections as cars passed by with their lights on in the darkness.

It’s OK to just be quiet. For many visiting a cemetery brings sadness, but for me it brings comfort. You may have read another one of my blogs talking about the times that I have spent visiting where my grandmother is buried. I usually talk with her, but during the times that I have gone to sit with Pierce, I have just been quiet. I don’t know what to say yet, and that is OK.

Being surrounded by love brings healing. Through this process, beyond all of the nice words, just feeling loved has been the greatest blessing of all. There is such comfort to be found during a time of brokenness in just being with those that you love, and who love you.  Words can’t even to begin to express how thankful I am for those who have loved me during the past two weeks.

Life doesn’t make sense sometimes, and faith most certainly never makes sense. I don’t understand why Pierce died. I screamed my confusions towards the Heavens so many times. None of this make sense to me, and trusting (by faith) that there is a greater reason for the heartbreaks that we endure in life is not easy. Honestly, most days that is my greatest struggle – having faith and trusting that even though faith does not make things easy, it does make them possible. Walking through this dark valley has most certainly not been easy, but I know that each step is possible because …

I am not alone. The day of Pierce’s viewing I discovered a song that has truly been my go-to during this process. The song is Just Be Held by Casting Crowns. There are so many pieces of truth sprinkled through the lyrics, but what repeats in my head more than anything is – “You’re not alone, so stop holding on and just be held.”  Even though the moment that the nurse mouthed the words to me that Pierce was gone was the loneliest moment I have ever had in life, I know that I am not (and will never be) alone.

Hope is an anchor. Most of us are familiar with the Scripture that references hope as an anchor for our souls, and I have truly learned that it is. If you were at Pierce's funeral, you heard the influence that the song Hope In Front of Me has had for me during his entire battle with cancer, and more, now than ever, hope is what is holding me steady in life. Hope that this world is temporary, that God is still above it all, and hope that I will see Pierce again.

His love never fails. I feel horrible using these words, but if you’ve been where I am right now, I have a feeling that you’ve felt this way as well. The moment that Pierce died, I wondered if God loved me. I couldn’t understand (and in some moments, I still don’t) how God could choose not to heal Pierce here with us. How God could not give him a miracle so that he could stay here with me. The beauty of the love of God though is that it never fails us. It never gives up on us (even when we question Him, and it would be so easy for Him to walk away). But most importantly, it never runs out even when we are running away.

The enemy came to steal, kill and destroy, but I have come to give life. This thought was so gently whispered to me during church today. The enemy came to steal my joy, to kill my faith and destroy my hope for the future, but Jesus Christ came to give me life. Not just ordinary life, but abundant life, a life that is overflowing with joy, faith and hope.

I am not living without Pierce, I am living for Pierce. My heart feels hollow some days. Especially days when life feels crummy and I can’t just tell my best bud all about it. Pierce always brought great perspective to my life. No matter what I was going through, he had a way of just making it all seem like life would be OK. So, in honor of Pierce, I wake up every day and tell myself that I am going to be OK, because my new goal in this life is to live it with a greater passion – not just for me, but for P.

 Thank you again for all of your love and support as I have day-by-day found my way out of the pit and back on the path of abundant life

Blessings,

Hannah

Dear 2015.

Dear 2015,

Tonight while cooking dinner, I dropped a plate. It fell almost in slow motion. I knew it was going down, but there was nothing I could do to prevent the fall. As it hit the ground, I held my breath, waiting for the unavoidable crash. Sure enough, the plate broke into many pieces.  2015, I looked down at the broken pieces of glass on our kitchen floor and it occurred to me that you could best be summed up with a picture of this broken plate.

As broken as I felt this year –from a job layoff, death, emptiness like I can’t explain and watching my very best friend go to war with cancer- I can honestly say that I have never felt more close to God. My faith has been shaken, bent and bruised, but through every storm, there has been a peace. The Bible clearly tells us that the Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and because of you 2015, I believe that now more than ever.

Now, 2015, you have been full of some wonderful moments, too. Drew and I visited my most favorite place in the world twice (one of those times with a special princess and her daddy). I finished graduate school, and was blessed with several job offers. I gladly accepted a position that I had peace about, and even though most days feel very heavy, I am so thankful for the students (and coworkers) that have been placed in my path. They truly are one of my greatest blessings in life. I’ve successfully been a wife for an entire year, and even though I haven’t mastered laundry for two, I have become a pro at making my hubs a sandwich.

But back to my broken plate (thankfully, it wasn’t one that was a part of our “fancy” set).  It’s all cleaned up now, but as I was sweeping the fragments of this plate into our dustpan, I began to think of the brokenness all around me - from the students that I talk with on a daily basis, to the entire state of the world, and so much more.  But what I have learned, 2015, is that brokenness leads us to redemption. One meaning of redemption is to gain something back, and well, 2015, I feel like you took a lot from me.  But, this next year is going to be different; it is going to be my year of redemption.  

Goodbye, 2015.

 

Dear friend, if have felt the same brokenness that I have during 2015, I encourage you to allow 2016 to also be your year of redemption. Lauren Diagle, one of my favorite Christian artist, says it best in her song Power to Redeem.

"Rejoice oh child of God
Lift your eyes to see
With every morning light,
Again we are redeemed"

Wake up to tomorrow’s morning light, the first day of a brand new year, knowing that you are redeemed! Whatever was taken from you in 2015, you are gaining back in 2016. Gain it all back - joy, peace, prosperity, comfort, self-confidence, dreams that you thought were shattered. Take it all!

 

Happy New Year, y'all!

-

Leave Memory Lane - He is Doing a New Thing.

A few nights ago, I saw a picture on Facebook of two people that I loved dearly.
If I am honest with you, I still do love them, but I had to allow God to heal my heart. It took myself all of a second to take a stroll down memory lane, and "remember when."  My heart hurt because of what has been lost, but it was also thankful because even though we fail, His love and His plans never do. As chance would have it, that same picture popped up in my newsfeed tonight. My heart, yet again, began to feel overwhelmed. In that exact moment, the Holy Spirit gently whispered to my soul - "I am doing a new thing."
I hate change. Seriously. I never, ever want to upgrade my Microsoft software (just ask my Dad) because I like being comfortable. What the Lord is teaching me though is that sometimes in order for Him to move I have to be uncomfortable. I have to be moved from the place of comfort to a place of trust. From a place of knowing (read: creating) the plan to a place of trusting solely in His plan.
Isaiah 43:18 came to my heart tonight. "But forget all of that - it is nothing compared to what I'm going to do. For I am about to do a brand new thing. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness for my people to come home. I will create rivers for them in the desert!"
Some days I feel like I am in a dry place. No matter how much I pray, read or listen to worship music - my soul feels dry. I have been crying out to God to refresh me. To submerge me in His river of new life. I now know that the secret of being refreshed is letting go of the old, and CELEBRATING in the new that is coming.
As a new school year begins in many districts tomorrow, I encourage you to celebrate this new year. Our school district's  theme for this year is new beginnings, and I don't think that it is coincidence that the Lord laid the scripture on my heart tonight. Wake up tomorrow excited about the new things that He is doing. I know I am!

Blessings,
Hannah

A Letter to My Future Daughter.

My darling,

Tonight while I was in the kitchen prepping supper, something on the TV caught my attention.  Jason Derulo was preforming on American Idol, but that wasn’t what caught me off guard. What made me have to look twice were the women that he had on stage with him. I stared awkwardly at the television set almost the entire song, my heart feeling so strange about what I was seeing, but yet I couldn’t force myself to look away. It wasn’t so much watching the performance as I was thinking of you. You don’t even exist yet, so maybe it is silly that you are what came to my mind. But you did.

These ladies preforming were by many people’s definition beautiful. However, I think they were going about showing their beauty in the wrong way. Quite honestly, sweetheart, they had on an outfit that I would only want you to wear in front of your husband. And they were dancing in ways that you better not even consider trying out at your senior prom.

Sometimes I worry what the standard of “beauty” will be while you are growing up. I fear that our culture is shifting further away by the day from what beauty really is. Because, baby girl, beauty isn’t dancing provocatively in lingerie on stage for the world to see or flaunting your physical self in any way just to get the attention of others.

Beauty is so much more than all of that. Beauty is so much more than the reflection you see when you pass by a mirror. I know you will hear these words a million times while you are growing up, but that is only because I want to make sure that these words take deep root in your heart – beauty is not what you look like, beauty is who you are.

 Beauty is the way you feel in your heart about who you are. Beauty is how you help someone who is struggling. Beauty is being true to yourself, even when the rest of the world is telling you to go with “their” flow. Beauty is knowing who you are, and being confident in the direction that your dreams take you – especially on the days when you want to throw in the towel. Beauty is being a true, genuine friend. Beauty is always giving 100%, and never settling for less than your best. Beauty, my dear, is so much more than what the world will tell you that it is.

That is why I want you to know the most important definition of beauty. I want you to know what Jesus has to say about beauty. And on days when you don’t feel like you “line up” with the definition that the world is giving you of beauty, I want you to line yourself up with His definition of beauty. Because, after all, what He says about you is more important than what anyone else will ever say about you.

“ What matters is not your outer appearance—the styling of your hair, the jewelry you wear, the cut of your clothes—but your inner disposition. Cultivate inner beauty, the gentle, gracious kind that God delights in." - I Peter 3:3-4

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised." - Proverbs 31:30

I love you, baby girl.

Five Lessons from Five Months of Marriage.

As of today, Drew and I have been married for five months. Time has surely flown by, but memories of our wedding day are still very fresh in mind. A special thank you to everyone who helped make October 26, 2014 the day of my dreams.

During the past five months, marriage has taught me many lessons, but today I am just going to share with you the five that are most important to me.

1.       Live on Compromise Street. I cannot even begin to express how important compromise has proved to be in our marriage. A few weeks ago, the topic of Halloween costumes came up, and well, Drew and I were not exactly on the same page. Instead of both of us not relenting on what we wanted to do, we compromised. He gave a little, I gave a little and eventually we both were very satisfied with the final decision. Compromise has also come in very handy when deciding what to eat for supper. Because, of course, "whatever you want, babe" is cool until someone suggests pizza. ;)

2.       Show Grace, Never Guilt. I am not a perfect person. My husband is not a perfect person. We both make mistakes. I am known to “get in my feelings” on occasion. I am so thankful that in those moments Drew shows me grace. I can’t imagine any marriage surviving with two partners that didn’t show each other grace on a daily basis. Especially if one of those partners plays the bass guitar. For real, y’all.

3.       Gender Roles, Smender Roles. The strongest teams allow the players to do what they do best. So often we automatically assign roles in marriages based on gender. I assumed that my marriage would be no exception to that. But, the truth is, my husband is a much better cook than I am. I still do the majority of the cooking, but I am okay to admit that the meals he prepares are a bit higher on the flavor scale than things I cook. Another piece of truth that I am slightly ashamed of, I didn’t even own salt or pepper pre-Drew – much less the other twenty spices that now fill the cabinet above our stove.

4.       I Can Hear Clearer Now. Communication. Communication. Communication. I cannot say it enough! I thought for sure that mind reading was a ginger superpower, but folks, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, it's not.  I’ve learned to say exactly what I feel/mean, and ask questions if I am not sure what Drew means. A funny real life scenario took place about a week before Valentine’s Day this year. Drew and I were just hanging out, and I mentioned to him that I wanted a wristlet as a Valentine’s Day gift. Well, I should have been more clear, because Drew thought that wristlet was just another word for bracelet. No, my dear, just no.

5.       Don’t Just Say Love, Do It. Loving someone is much, much more than just telling them that you love them. Don’t get me wrong telling them is so important, and I make a point to tell Drew several times a day how much I love him. What I’ve found means even more though is when he shows me that he loves me. It may be something simple like rubbing my tummy while we sit on the couch in the evenings, or taking my dirty plate to the kitchen for me, but those small acts truly make me feel loved. Love is such a huge thing, but it really is just all of the little things added together.

People are constantly asking us how married life is. The short answer is that it is wonderful. I love being married, and I am so thankful for the man that God blessed me with. Our first six months of marriage have been full of things that I expected, and also things that I did not. Like the other night, I was sitting on the floor in our living room clipping Drew’s toenails, and as I looked up at him I couldn’t contain my laughter. On our very first date, I never imagined clipping his toenails, but at that moment, I couldn’t think of any other place I would rather be on a Wednesday night. And if you’ve ever seen Drew’s toenails, you know that this must truly be a lifelong love.

Blessings,
Hannah

Monday Blues? Change Your Point of View – Because Greater is Coming!

I hope I am not the only one that feels this way, but sometimes I dread Monday morning. Tomorrow around 7 a.m., I’ll be starting a brand new week (well, after hitting the snooze button an annoying amount of times – sorry babe!). It all starts again. The cycle of “waiting for Friday” that so many of us get caught up in will be here in less than 10 hours.  I try to make a point to remind myself to be in the present - to enjoy the day that I am living, while being a blessing to those around me.  But, if I am honest with you, I would admit that so often I find myself starting Monday morning, wishing for Friday afternoon.

Tomorrow starts my tenth week of internship, and even though I am truly enjoying it, I find myself ready for it to be over. Those of you that know me well know how much of a planner I am. Until this internship is over, I feel like our life is in limbo. I have no idea what school doors I will be walking through in August. I know that He will direct my path, and as much comfort as I find in that, some days I find myself an anxious mess about the future. I feel like this internship season has been a dry season for me. My soul has felt so dry and weary.  I have been praying for fresh oil from Heaven to refresh me.

I don’t know if any of you are feeling this way about a season in your life. But, if you are, let me encourage you with a revelation that the Lord gave me tonight. He is using this season to prepare you for greater.

Tonight while listening to my favorite Pandora station (not that I don’t enjoy the wrestling show that my husband watches on Sunday night .. ) a song titled Greater is Coming came on. The intro of the song talks about the process that the olive goes through for its oil to be able to flow.  The process has three steps - 1. Shaking, 2. Beating, and 3. Pressing.  Anyone else felt shaken, beaten or pressed lately? I know I have.

But, you know what, if it wasn’t for the shaking – I wouldn’t be ready for the making. And if it wasn’t for the beating – I wouldn’t know the level of anointing that He has placed on my life. And lastly, if it wasn’t for the pressing – I would not be able to walk into my destiny. He has been preparing me for greater!  He has been preparing YOU for greater!  Every test, every trial, every sleepless night, and every tear that has run down your cheek has been doing nothing but preparing for you greater.

So tomorrow, I am going to look at the shaking, beating and pressing that weekdays can bring differently. I am changing my point of view of this season in my life, because He is using this time to prepare me for greater. 

So, Monday morning, you better watch out, because I know that our greater is coming! Thank you, Father, that Your greater is coming!

Blessings,
Hannah