When Grief Invades the "Most Wonderful Time of the Year."

For those who have experienced a loss,  the holidays can so easily transform from being the most wonderful time of the year to being the most dreaded time of the year. But we do not have to dread the holidays after experiencing loss,  we can choose to find the joy that may seem so far out of reach but is not.  Here are some tips that I've discovered during my grief journey.  I pray they help you as your travel down your own path of loss.

Grief is Like the Ocean. 
When talking with students (and others I come in contact with) that are experiencing grief I often compare the grieving process to the ocean. Since we are so blessed to leave near the ocean,  this analogy provides a good visual for what I've learned grief is like. Some moments of the day at Edisto (my very favorite beach) the tide is low and chill and other moments of the day the tide is high and ruthless.  Some moments during the last 11 months as I have grieved the loss of Piece have felt so chill but others have been as ruthless as the wave that knocks you down and causes your to gasp for breath as you fight to conquer the current. Just like the tide at Edisto,  I don't think we can control the tides of grief,  we just have to accept that the waves will come. And that's OK.

Accept the Sadness.  
Do not feel guilty about your grief. Grief is natural and where there was great love there will be great grief. Someone commented in my GriefShare group that,  to them,  grief was just love with no place to go. It's OK to be sad because you miss someone who is gone this holiday season but you still have to ...

Open Your Heart to Joy.  
Thanksgiving was so hard for me. I knew it would be. Even last year when P was in the hospital,  I left our family Thanksgiving and went to hangout with him. I was so fearful of what our family Thanksgiving would look like without him. I had a choice - did I want to be bogged down in grief or did I want to choose joy? I knew that P would want me to choose joy. So,  that is exactly what I did. I played t-rex with my sweet nephew,  sat on the back porch where P and I would always sneak away to and blew bubbles (no shame,  y'all know bubbles are fun), and I offered up a prayer of thanksgiving to our Father who even in the waves of grief is still so good to us. Did I cry? Yes. As a matter of fact, I uglied cried into my mom's shoulder as we dried the last of the pots and pans. But did I laugh? So,  so much. I chose joy and I beg you to choose the same.

Transform Traditions.  
Pierce is gone (and there isn't a piece of me that doesn't wish he was here) but I am not gone. He would be so angry with me if I quit living. It isn't a secret that P loved our family recipe for TV Trash,  and even though a large part of me doesn't want to continue on with making this delicious treat - I know we must. It won't be the same and it will be sad but we can't let his favorite tradition die with him.  We have to keep that piece of him alive.

Cling to Jesus. 
This may be my last point,  but it is certainly the most important.  I keep Isaiah 41:10 taped right above my computer monitor at work. It says, "I’ve picked you. I haven’t dropped you.’ Don’t panic. I’m with you. There’s no need to fear for I’m your God. I’ll give you strength. I’ll help you. I’ll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you." When the waves of grief are taking you under,  know that He has a firm grip on you, and He will never let you go.

Have a blessed holiday season,  friend/s. Choose joy. Spread kindness. Expect miracles.

Hannah

When It Doesn't Feel 'Well With My Soul.'

I would be willing to bet the leftover plate of food sitting next to me (that technically belongs to my dear husband) that each of you have heard  the old hymn It Is Well With My Soul. While I was getting dressed this morning a song by Bethel titled It Is Well began streaming through my phone's speakers. The Bethel song has a very similar feel to the familiar hymn, and if I am being honest with you, this morning I wasn't feeling it. I wasn't feeling that song because life didn't feel 'well with my soul.' Waking up this morning knowing we would face our first Thanksgiving without Pierce didn't feel well. It felt empty, sad, frustrating ... but certainly not well.

Because God has a sense of humor, or maybe because He knows exactly what we need, a line from the faith-filled hymn has stayed in my head all day ..
"Whatever my lot, 
Thou hast taught me to know
It is well, it is well, with my soul."

I began to wonder what the writer was facing when he penned those words. What He needed to convince himself was indeed well with his soul. Thanks to Google, what I found turned my whole day around.

It Is Well With My Soul was written by Horatio Spafford in 1873. Spafford wrote the song while on a boat to England to meet his wife, Anna, after he learned of some very devastating news. The family (who were good friends with D.L. Moody) planned a vacaction to Europe, but Spafford had to tie up some loose ends for a work deal, so he sent his family ahead of him. Except when he did make it, he wasn't welcomed by his girls with welcoming hugs .. instead he was faced with a grieving wife. He lost all four of his girls in a boat accident.

As I finished reading Spafford's biography, I found myself amazed by this man's faith. I don't know what I would be doing during a boat ride to England knowing that my children were dead, but I don't think I would be writing about how it was "well with my soul." But you know what friends, he had it right. My dad often says that we must be like David in some seasons of our lives by TELLING our souls to bless the Lord. Some days we have to convince ourselves that no matter what we face, our God is still a good, good Father. He is working out each moment of this life for our good and His glory.

Do I wish Pierce was here? Every single day. Does it feel 'well with my soul'? Not in every moment BUT I do know that God is good and sometimes we just have to choose to open our eyes wider to see His goodness.

Choose to see His goodness, friends. It's all around.

Happy Thanksgiving!

And if not, He is still good.

Disclaimer: This blog is going to be raw, real and honest. I haven't shared anything I've written about Pierce in many, many months. I keep those journals personal for a few reasons, mostly because I am super self-conscious about being judged for not being "over it" by now. I'm not though, and that is OK, because it's in my brokeness that His strength is shown. 

One year ago, I shared a post that Pierce wrote. He was getting "news" and needed it to be good. Before I shared his status, I added to the end of my post that we were standing on 1 Peter 2:24. We were standing on a Scripture that tells of Jesus' stripes and the healing that each one of them has promised us. I scoffed (I told y'all this was going to be very raw) at my "on this day" posts this morning and thought to myself, "What do I have to stand on now?" 

Just like my sweet husband does when I spout of at the mouth without thinking (love you, shugga), the Holy Spirit gently  reminded me of something. He reminded me of my favorite Bible story to teach. I feel certain that each one of you reading this know the story of three guys with strange names (the true reason I love teaching this story is hearing my kiddos butchering these guys' names) that were tossed into a fiery furnace. Yeah? 

The story of is found in Daniel 3 .. 

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego answered King Nebuchadnezzar, “Your threat means nothing to us. If you throw us in the fire, the God we serve is able to rescue us from your roaring furnace and anything else you might cook up, O king. But even if He doesn’t, it wouldn’t make a bit of difference, O king. 

There are two phrases in this passage that gripped me when I read it during RockKids a few months ago. 

1) He is able. Take a breathe and let that sink in. He. Is. Able. In Daniel 3, we read about three men who are about to be tied up and tossed into flames. They were expected to not only die, but die in a way that I would definitely not consider appealing. And yet, they still trusted that He was able. 

2) Even if He didn't, it wouldn't make a bit of difference [He is still good]. Ah, the word "good." It seems to follow me. The Bible does say that goodness and mercy follow us, so I guess it is fitting (heh heh). I will never, ever forget the day that word changed forever for me. I was at Jashawn's funeral and when Rev. Jenkins got up and said a phrase to the congregation that I have heard hundreds of times from various pulpits. He said the phrase, "God is good." and, per usual, the congregation responded with "all the time." The next six words out of his mouth truly changed my life. The six words were - "and He is good RIGHT NOW." He is always good. In every moment, in every season, in moments of pure bliss and in the deep pit of grief - He is our good, good Father. 

I trusted on this day one year ago that He was able. I not only trusted, I was standing on it. Standing on something is true, pure trust. Have you ever stood on a chair? (Just fyi, chair standing at work is a no-no.) If the chair goes, you go. Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego trusted that God was able to save them, but they also trusted His plan enough to know that if He did not save them, He was still God and (most importantly) that He is always good. 

We are so often told that God is good, but there are moments that I truly have to wonder WHERE His goodness is. Where is His goodness in the midst of financial hardships? Where is His goodness when you're looking at your dearest friend on their death bed? Where is His goodness in our broken places? 

I'm starting to discover where His goodness is. It's inside of me. Yes, friend, His goodness is inside of you, too. Because His goodness lies in our ability to trust. In our willingness to stand firm in our faith that His love for us is steadfast and will never fail. 

Those three pals in Judges 3 could have taken the easy way out. They could have bowed down. On days when we don't see His goodness, we can take the easy way out too. Bowing down in surrender to sadness and hopelessness would sure be much easier some days than looking deep inside of me for His goodness. I can't do that though, because just like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, I have to trust that even if He doesn't rescue me like MY plans say He should, He is still God, He is still good and He will ALWAYS be able. 

Be blessed, y'all. 

Hannah 

When Mother's Day Hurts, Let Jesus Hold You

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day. A day that we celebrate the women in our lives who birthed us, cared for us as children, and have watched us bloom as adults. For so many though, Mother’s Day brings a bitter-sweet feeling. From the women who face the ugly monster of infertility, to those who have experienced infant or child loss, and others who have even lost their own mothers. Maybe your mother is still living, but the relationship you have with her is not what you wish for it to be. 

To those that can’t relate to anything in the previous sentence, today I ask you to cover those who can relate in prayer. To be there for the friend who may need a shoulder or a random text message reminding them of the wonderful person that they are.

To those who can relate, my heart aches for you. I’ve been in quiet prayer most of the day for you. I’m not exactly sure why. Maybe it’s because of how many people I know who are facing their first Mother’s Day without their mother, or my dear friends that have faced miscarriages this year, perhaps it’s even because of my endometriosis and the fear of infertility that it has planted deep within me. I’m honestly not sure why, but what I am sure of is that you are loved. You are loved by the Almighty. You are loved by the Creator, who gives life, and takes it away. You are loved by the One who has a greater plan for your life than any of us could imagine.

Natalie Grant is one of my very favorite singers. She sings a song called Held. The song was written for a broken mother who lost her baby at only two months old. She walked in her newborn's nursery one day, and discovered that her baby was lying in his crib lifeless. I can not even imagine the pure heartbreak she felt in that moment (and still feels even today). Natalie’s song is relatable to so much more though. So many more stories. So many more moments of loss. 

The chorus goes, “This is what it means to be held. How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life, and you survive. This is what  is to be loved, and to know that the promise was when everything fell – you’d be held.” For those of you with an aching heart this Mother’s Day, let Jesus hold you. Yes, the sacred has been torn from your life, but you have survived! 

I know,  dear friend, that it has not been easy. I know all too well the tearful nights you've experienced or the days that you didn't feel like you could face, but He has sustained you in those moments,  and He will continue to sustain you.  His promises are true, and when it feels like your life is falling apart, He won’t fail you. 

One thing I've learned this year is that choosing to surrender, and choosing to let Jesus hold you, is not always simple. Choosing to crawl into the arms of our good, good Father can feel much more difficult than crawling into the pit of grief. But, today, I beg you to choose His arms. To choose to focus more on His promises than your aching heart. To choose to let Jesus hold you. 

To all of the Proverbs 31 women in my life (whether you are a mother or not), I pray you have a fabulous Mother’s Day! After all, isn’t Mother’s Day about celebrating the women in our life who are fabulous? Yes, yes, it is!

Blessings,

Hannah

I wanna find You .. in every season.

The dictionary says that a season is a "division of the year." Most of us learned all about the four seasons in elementary school (although, I don't think South Carolina has 4 distinct seasons), but this is going to be about a different type of season. As I think back over the "division of the years" of my life, I think of being in school, falling in love with Haiti, finishing college, finding my "person", finishing graduate school, getting married, landing a great job ... all of these wonderful seasons that (of course) were not exactly perfect, but shaped me into who I am.

Right now, I am walking through a season that is not like any other season I have ever been through. I am walking through a season of grief. (Ok, honestly, walking may be an exaggeration because most days I feel like I am crawling through this season.) Most days I find myself going through the routines of life, yet I feel completely empty inside, like I will never be "me" again. Like I will never find my way out of this season. Like I will always be stuck in this "fog" of a dream that I am wishing I could wake up from.

Being a person with very, very deep-rooted faith, walking through the "valley of the shadow" has been extremely different than what I expect it to be. In a time when I should be clinging to my faith for life, I find myself feeling very disconnected from the source that I know is carrying me through each moment. I am going to be very truthful, because I don't feel like enough people are talking about this pain, and I don't know why. Well, yes, I guess I do, because part of me feels the fear that I would be willing to bet they have. The whole idea of need to be a "strong, good Christian," because if I am not, there won't be a good testimony is wrong. So wrong. Because, friends, the testimony in grief is not that we are "so strong in our faith" that it didn't overwhelm us, the testimony to be found in grief is being able to fully understand the promises of God. The promise that tells us that He will never leave us or forsake us. The promise that tells us He gives peace that passes all understanding. The promise that this life is temporary, and Heaven is our true home. The promise that even though we do not understand, He will reveal things to us in His timing. You see, if I wasn't walking through the "valley," then I would not be having the chance to experience those promises in such a deep, raw way.

God is our comforter. He provides us with "consolation after a loss or disappointment." Truthfully, during the past four weeks, I have experience both a loss and a disappointment. A loss in the death of my dear baby cousin, and also a disappointment that Pierce didn't receive his miracle. I haven't seen God in this. Not in any of it. But, friends, I also haven't looked. I wonder if God is frustrating-ly chuckling at me, as I sometimes do with Drew, when he absolutely can't find something, but probably can't find it because he hasn't taken proper time to look for it. Of course, in those moments "super wife" swoops in and finds whatever it is in two seconds. (Except the remotes, those things hide themselves, I tell you.)


As many of you know, growing up my favorite Bible verse was Jeremiah 29:11. For some reason, I stumbled across it tonight, and decided to keep reading. I don't know why, in the hundreds of times I have read this verse, I didn't read further down the chapter before. But, I know that God revealed this to me tonight, because I needed a fresh revelation of who He is and how He loves me. Jeremiah 29:11-13 (The Message) - ¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. ¹⁴ I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity.

I discovered in my grief group this week that God's comfort is always extended to us, but we have to choose to put ourselves in a place to receive it. When we pray for God's comfort, He won't leave us hanging, no, dear friends, He will come to us. Wherever we are, which is a good thing considering that I feel like I am in a dark pit, and He will bring us back from captivity (and this includes the imprisonment of deep, deep grief). I have chosen to not look for God in this season, because I find it impossible to think I could find Him in the midst of my loss and disappointment, but I have been doing it wrong. Because even in the moments when tears fill my eyes, overwhelming sadness invades my thoughts, and I feel like I will never find joy again, God has given me something to trust in. And that is Him.

Knowing God, and His comfort, may not take away the ache my heart feels, but it will support me during the process of grief. He is our comforter, and I need to put myself in a place (mentally and spiritually) to receive that comfort.  Honestly, right now, I am not sure how to do that, or when I will choose to, and that is OK, because I know that He will be there ready to meet me wherever I am. He is ready to meet you wherever you are, too. You just have to look.

Fourteen Lessons from Fourteen Days without You.

Two weeks ago at 4:10 a.m., my dearest friend left this earth for a greater place. If I am honest with you, waking up on that Sunday afternoon, I wasn’t sure that I would make it to this day. I had no clue how I could possibly continue on with life after being slapped in the face by the reality of cancer. The reality that meant my sweet Pierce was gone. I typed a note on my phone that afternoon, probably around this time, and have followed that same routine each day. I want to share them with you today, because in the days following Pierce’s death I have search and searched the internet for a “magic” lesson, Scripture or prayer to get me through this, and (mostly) came up empty handed. Grief is very personal, and there isn’t a simple fix to get through losing someone you love, but maybe, just maybe there is someone searching for that today and if so, I pray these lessons help you on your road to feeling “OK” again.

Grief is a deep, dark pit. When I think of grief, the first thing that comes to my mind is a pit dug in the ground. I feel like this pit is a place of surrender, but not the good type of surrender, the type of surrender that causes us to want to give up on life. I stayed for a while in that pit, but soon realized that … .

We can’t stay in the pit forever. This is going to be one of the most transparent things that I have ever written, and I guess this second lesson is a good place to start with that, because there are days that I want to stay in the pit. If you’ve experienced loss, I would be willing to bet that there are days when you’ve wanted to stay in the pit as well. The amazing thing about life though, is that it keeps going. I remember walking into Wal-Mart the first time after Piece died and being so confused by people living life around me, when mine had just fallen apart. I remember wanting to just sit on the floor on the linen aisle and surrender to the pit. But, we can’t. We can’t stay in the pit forever.

Praise gets us out of the pit. I am truly still working on this. Choosing to praise God with a broken heart feels absolutely impossible and silly. However, I know that even in the darkest moments of being in the pit, praise is my way out.

Memories are the best medicine. Thinking about Pierce, and all of our times together, brings me comfort. Comfort in knowing that even if his life was too short, and even though we lost him “out of time,” that the years we had together are full of some of my favorite memories.

Raisins in trash is a bad idea. One of Pierce and I’s favorite things to do together was to make TV Trash (similar to Chex Mix). We have spent many hours in our Aunt Peggy’s kitchen shaking, stirring, and (of course) sampling our “secret” family recipe. Neither of us helped make the Christmas batch of trash, and somehow raisins ended up in there. I didn’t eat any of it until the week after Piece died, and I literally laughed out loud thinking of what he would have said about our recipe being altered.

Pierce shines on me every day. I know that thought sounds very cliché (and if there is anything I have learned during this process, it is how much cliché things bother me), but I truly know that he does. Sometimes he shows up through my radio when the perfect song plays at exactly the right moment, or other times he show up in my office as a warm ray of sunshine. Most recently, he showed up during my evening walk as I looked down at the pavement and noticed many shimmering reflections as cars passed by with their lights on in the darkness.

It’s OK to just be quiet. For many visiting a cemetery brings sadness, but for me it brings comfort. You may have read another one of my blogs talking about the times that I have spent visiting where my grandmother is buried. I usually talk with her, but during the times that I have gone to sit with Pierce, I have just been quiet. I don’t know what to say yet, and that is OK.

Being surrounded by love brings healing. Through this process, beyond all of the nice words, just feeling loved has been the greatest blessing of all. There is such comfort to be found during a time of brokenness in just being with those that you love, and who love you.  Words can’t even to begin to express how thankful I am for those who have loved me during the past two weeks.

Life doesn’t make sense sometimes, and faith most certainly never makes sense. I don’t understand why Pierce died. I screamed my confusions towards the Heavens so many times. None of this make sense to me, and trusting (by faith) that there is a greater reason for the heartbreaks that we endure in life is not easy. Honestly, most days that is my greatest struggle – having faith and trusting that even though faith does not make things easy, it does make them possible. Walking through this dark valley has most certainly not been easy, but I know that each step is possible because …

I am not alone. The day of Pierce’s viewing I discovered a song that has truly been my go-to during this process. The song is Just Be Held by Casting Crowns. There are so many pieces of truth sprinkled through the lyrics, but what repeats in my head more than anything is – “You’re not alone, so stop holding on and just be held.”  Even though the moment that the nurse mouthed the words to me that Pierce was gone was the loneliest moment I have ever had in life, I know that I am not (and will never be) alone.

Hope is an anchor. Most of us are familiar with the Scripture that references hope as an anchor for our souls, and I have truly learned that it is. If you were at Pierce's funeral, you heard the influence that the song Hope In Front of Me has had for me during his entire battle with cancer, and more, now than ever, hope is what is holding me steady in life. Hope that this world is temporary, that God is still above it all, and hope that I will see Pierce again.

His love never fails. I feel horrible using these words, but if you’ve been where I am right now, I have a feeling that you’ve felt this way as well. The moment that Pierce died, I wondered if God loved me. I couldn’t understand (and in some moments, I still don’t) how God could choose not to heal Pierce here with us. How God could not give him a miracle so that he could stay here with me. The beauty of the love of God though is that it never fails us. It never gives up on us (even when we question Him, and it would be so easy for Him to walk away). But most importantly, it never runs out even when we are running away.

The enemy came to steal, kill and destroy, but I have come to give life. This thought was so gently whispered to me during church today. The enemy came to steal my joy, to kill my faith and destroy my hope for the future, but Jesus Christ came to give me life. Not just ordinary life, but abundant life, a life that is overflowing with joy, faith and hope.

I am not living without Pierce, I am living for Pierce. My heart feels hollow some days. Especially days when life feels crummy and I can’t just tell my best bud all about it. Pierce always brought great perspective to my life. No matter what I was going through, he had a way of just making it all seem like life would be OK. So, in honor of Pierce, I wake up every day and tell myself that I am going to be OK, because my new goal in this life is to live it with a greater passion – not just for me, but for P.

 Thank you again for all of your love and support as I have day-by-day found my way out of the pit and back on the path of abundant life

Blessings,

Hannah

Dear 2015.

Dear 2015,

Tonight while cooking dinner, I dropped a plate. It fell almost in slow motion. I knew it was going down, but there was nothing I could do to prevent the fall. As it hit the ground, I held my breath, waiting for the unavoidable crash. Sure enough, the plate broke into many pieces.  2015, I looked down at the broken pieces of glass on our kitchen floor and it occurred to me that you could best be summed up with a picture of this broken plate.

As broken as I felt this year –from a job layoff, death, emptiness like I can’t explain and watching my very best friend go to war with cancer- I can honestly say that I have never felt more close to God. My faith has been shaken, bent and bruised, but through every storm, there has been a peace. The Bible clearly tells us that the Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and because of you 2015, I believe that now more than ever.

Now, 2015, you have been full of some wonderful moments, too. Drew and I visited my most favorite place in the world twice (one of those times with a special princess and her daddy). I finished graduate school, and was blessed with several job offers. I gladly accepted a position that I had peace about, and even though most days feel very heavy, I am so thankful for the students (and coworkers) that have been placed in my path. They truly are one of my greatest blessings in life. I’ve successfully been a wife for an entire year, and even though I haven’t mastered laundry for two, I have become a pro at making my hubs a sandwich.

But back to my broken plate (thankfully, it wasn’t one that was a part of our “fancy” set).  It’s all cleaned up now, but as I was sweeping the fragments of this plate into our dustpan, I began to think of the brokenness all around me - from the students that I talk with on a daily basis, to the entire state of the world, and so much more.  But what I have learned, 2015, is that brokenness leads us to redemption. One meaning of redemption is to gain something back, and well, 2015, I feel like you took a lot from me.  But, this next year is going to be different; it is going to be my year of redemption.  

Goodbye, 2015.

 

Dear friend, if have felt the same brokenness that I have during 2015, I encourage you to allow 2016 to also be your year of redemption. Lauren Diagle, one of my favorite Christian artist, says it best in her song Power to Redeem.

"Rejoice oh child of God
Lift your eyes to see
With every morning light,
Again we are redeemed"

Wake up to tomorrow’s morning light, the first day of a brand new year, knowing that you are redeemed! Whatever was taken from you in 2015, you are gaining back in 2016. Gain it all back - joy, peace, prosperity, comfort, self-confidence, dreams that you thought were shattered. Take it all!

 

Happy New Year, y'all!

-

Leave Memory Lane - He is Doing a New Thing.

A few nights ago, I saw a picture on Facebook of two people that I loved dearly.
If I am honest with you, I still do love them, but I had to allow God to heal my heart. It took myself all of a second to take a stroll down memory lane, and "remember when."  My heart hurt because of what has been lost, but it was also thankful because even though we fail, His love and His plans never do. As chance would have it, that same picture popped up in my newsfeed tonight. My heart, yet again, began to feel overwhelmed. In that exact moment, the Holy Spirit gently whispered to my soul - "I am doing a new thing."
I hate change. Seriously. I never, ever want to upgrade my Microsoft software (just ask my Dad) because I like being comfortable. What the Lord is teaching me though is that sometimes in order for Him to move I have to be uncomfortable. I have to be moved from the place of comfort to a place of trust. From a place of knowing (read: creating) the plan to a place of trusting solely in His plan.
Isaiah 43:18 came to my heart tonight. "But forget all of that - it is nothing compared to what I'm going to do. For I am about to do a brand new thing. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness for my people to come home. I will create rivers for them in the desert!"
Some days I feel like I am in a dry place. No matter how much I pray, read or listen to worship music - my soul feels dry. I have been crying out to God to refresh me. To submerge me in His river of new life. I now know that the secret of being refreshed is letting go of the old, and CELEBRATING in the new that is coming.
As a new school year begins in many districts tomorrow, I encourage you to celebrate this new year. Our school district's  theme for this year is new beginnings, and I don't think that it is coincidence that the Lord laid the scripture on my heart tonight. Wake up tomorrow excited about the new things that He is doing. I know I am!

Blessings,
Hannah

A Letter to My Future Daughter.

My darling,

Tonight while I was in the kitchen prepping supper, something on the TV caught my attention.  Jason Derulo was preforming on American Idol, but that wasn’t what caught me off guard. What made me have to look twice were the women that he had on stage with him. I stared awkwardly at the television set almost the entire song, my heart feeling so strange about what I was seeing, but yet I couldn’t force myself to look away. It wasn’t so much watching the performance as I was thinking of you. You don’t even exist yet, so maybe it is silly that you are what came to my mind. But you did.

These ladies preforming were by many people’s definition beautiful. However, I think they were going about showing their beauty in the wrong way. Quite honestly, sweetheart, they had on an outfit that I would only want you to wear in front of your husband. And they were dancing in ways that you better not even consider trying out at your senior prom.

Sometimes I worry what the standard of “beauty” will be while you are growing up. I fear that our culture is shifting further away by the day from what beauty really is. Because, baby girl, beauty isn’t dancing provocatively in lingerie on stage for the world to see or flaunting your physical self in any way just to get the attention of others.

Beauty is so much more than all of that. Beauty is so much more than the reflection you see when you pass by a mirror. I know you will hear these words a million times while you are growing up, but that is only because I want to make sure that these words take deep root in your heart – beauty is not what you look like, beauty is who you are.

 Beauty is the way you feel in your heart about who you are. Beauty is how you help someone who is struggling. Beauty is being true to yourself, even when the rest of the world is telling you to go with “their” flow. Beauty is knowing who you are, and being confident in the direction that your dreams take you – especially on the days when you want to throw in the towel. Beauty is being a true, genuine friend. Beauty is always giving 100%, and never settling for less than your best. Beauty, my dear, is so much more than what the world will tell you that it is.

That is why I want you to know the most important definition of beauty. I want you to know what Jesus has to say about beauty. And on days when you don’t feel like you “line up” with the definition that the world is giving you of beauty, I want you to line yourself up with His definition of beauty. Because, after all, what He says about you is more important than what anyone else will ever say about you.

“ What matters is not your outer appearance—the styling of your hair, the jewelry you wear, the cut of your clothes—but your inner disposition. Cultivate inner beauty, the gentle, gracious kind that God delights in." - I Peter 3:3-4

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised." - Proverbs 31:30

I love you, baby girl.

Five Lessons from Five Months of Marriage.

As of today, Drew and I have been married for five months. Time has surely flown by, but memories of our wedding day are still very fresh in mind. A special thank you to everyone who helped make October 26, 2014 the day of my dreams.

During the past five months, marriage has taught me many lessons, but today I am just going to share with you the five that are most important to me.

1.       Live on Compromise Street. I cannot even begin to express how important compromise has proved to be in our marriage. A few weeks ago, the topic of Halloween costumes came up, and well, Drew and I were not exactly on the same page. Instead of both of us not relenting on what we wanted to do, we compromised. He gave a little, I gave a little and eventually we both were very satisfied with the final decision. Compromise has also come in very handy when deciding what to eat for supper. Because, of course, "whatever you want, babe" is cool until someone suggests pizza. ;)

2.       Show Grace, Never Guilt. I am not a perfect person. My husband is not a perfect person. We both make mistakes. I am known to “get in my feelings” on occasion. I am so thankful that in those moments Drew shows me grace. I can’t imagine any marriage surviving with two partners that didn’t show each other grace on a daily basis. Especially if one of those partners plays the bass guitar. For real, y’all.

3.       Gender Roles, Smender Roles. The strongest teams allow the players to do what they do best. So often we automatically assign roles in marriages based on gender. I assumed that my marriage would be no exception to that. But, the truth is, my husband is a much better cook than I am. I still do the majority of the cooking, but I am okay to admit that the meals he prepares are a bit higher on the flavor scale than things I cook. Another piece of truth that I am slightly ashamed of, I didn’t even own salt or pepper pre-Drew – much less the other twenty spices that now fill the cabinet above our stove.

4.       I Can Hear Clearer Now. Communication. Communication. Communication. I cannot say it enough! I thought for sure that mind reading was a ginger superpower, but folks, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, it's not.  I’ve learned to say exactly what I feel/mean, and ask questions if I am not sure what Drew means. A funny real life scenario took place about a week before Valentine’s Day this year. Drew and I were just hanging out, and I mentioned to him that I wanted a wristlet as a Valentine’s Day gift. Well, I should have been more clear, because Drew thought that wristlet was just another word for bracelet. No, my dear, just no.

5.       Don’t Just Say Love, Do It. Loving someone is much, much more than just telling them that you love them. Don’t get me wrong telling them is so important, and I make a point to tell Drew several times a day how much I love him. What I’ve found means even more though is when he shows me that he loves me. It may be something simple like rubbing my tummy while we sit on the couch in the evenings, or taking my dirty plate to the kitchen for me, but those small acts truly make me feel loved. Love is such a huge thing, but it really is just all of the little things added together.

People are constantly asking us how married life is. The short answer is that it is wonderful. I love being married, and I am so thankful for the man that God blessed me with. Our first six months of marriage have been full of things that I expected, and also things that I did not. Like the other night, I was sitting on the floor in our living room clipping Drew’s toenails, and as I looked up at him I couldn’t contain my laughter. On our very first date, I never imagined clipping his toenails, but at that moment, I couldn’t think of any other place I would rather be on a Wednesday night. And if you’ve ever seen Drew’s toenails, you know that this must truly be a lifelong love.

Blessings,
Hannah

Monday Blues? Change Your Point of View – Because Greater is Coming!

I hope I am not the only one that feels this way, but sometimes I dread Monday morning. Tomorrow around 7 a.m., I’ll be starting a brand new week (well, after hitting the snooze button an annoying amount of times – sorry babe!). It all starts again. The cycle of “waiting for Friday” that so many of us get caught up in will be here in less than 10 hours.  I try to make a point to remind myself to be in the present - to enjoy the day that I am living, while being a blessing to those around me.  But, if I am honest with you, I would admit that so often I find myself starting Monday morning, wishing for Friday afternoon.

Tomorrow starts my tenth week of internship, and even though I am truly enjoying it, I find myself ready for it to be over. Those of you that know me well know how much of a planner I am. Until this internship is over, I feel like our life is in limbo. I have no idea what school doors I will be walking through in August. I know that He will direct my path, and as much comfort as I find in that, some days I find myself an anxious mess about the future. I feel like this internship season has been a dry season for me. My soul has felt so dry and weary.  I have been praying for fresh oil from Heaven to refresh me.

I don’t know if any of you are feeling this way about a season in your life. But, if you are, let me encourage you with a revelation that the Lord gave me tonight. He is using this season to prepare you for greater.

Tonight while listening to my favorite Pandora station (not that I don’t enjoy the wrestling show that my husband watches on Sunday night .. ) a song titled Greater is Coming came on. The intro of the song talks about the process that the olive goes through for its oil to be able to flow.  The process has three steps - 1. Shaking, 2. Beating, and 3. Pressing.  Anyone else felt shaken, beaten or pressed lately? I know I have.

But, you know what, if it wasn’t for the shaking – I wouldn’t be ready for the making. And if it wasn’t for the beating – I wouldn’t know the level of anointing that He has placed on my life. And lastly, if it wasn’t for the pressing – I would not be able to walk into my destiny. He has been preparing me for greater!  He has been preparing YOU for greater!  Every test, every trial, every sleepless night, and every tear that has run down your cheek has been doing nothing but preparing for you greater.

So tomorrow, I am going to look at the shaking, beating and pressing that weekdays can bring differently. I am changing my point of view of this season in my life, because He is using this time to prepare me for greater. 

So, Monday morning, you better watch out, because I know that our greater is coming! Thank you, Father, that Your greater is coming!

Blessings,
Hannah

Don't Surrender, Press On.

"And I run  [press on] toward the goal to take the victory of the calling of God from on high .. " - Phil. 3:14

Hargo Hill. I feel like those two words should be followed by a *dun dun dun* .. can I get an amen, fellow exercisers? I often credit that long, steep incline between the jail and the start of “Main Street” with making me a runner. It’s a tough distance up, and usually right before I get to the top, my body feels done – thankfully, this is where my brain kicks in. Well, usually.  

Tonight I went out for a run, and I ran so joyfully until I found myself at the base of the dreaded hill. I didn’t feel like climbing that hill, because tonight, what I knew was just a hill looked like a mountain to me. So, tonight, I turned around deciding that I would just skip it and begin my journey back home. Through my head ran many excuses – I’m tired, it’s cold, Drew is probably hungry, my left pinky toe is sore, a piece of hair is touching my neck. Yes, I know, some of those are pathetic, but I am just being real.

As soon as I began to shuffle my feet around to turn back a Building 429 song titled Press On began to stream through my ear buds (actually my husband’s ear buds because sharing earwax is a true marriage builder). The first few words of the song pierced my heart – “Sometimes this world starts breaking me down” – and immediately the tears began to flow. Some of you may know, but around the time I started my (unpaid) internship, Drew was let go from his job. It was definitely a curve ball that we were not expecting. We are truly okay, and God’s faithfulness through these past few months has been nothing short of amazing, but still, some days, I feel like the world is breaking me down.

The lyrics that came next were exactly how my heart felt about conquering the hill tonight  -  “And there are moments of fear and doubt, even the best fall to the ground.” I doubted myself. I doubted my body’s ability to get myself up the hill. I was fearful of what would happen if my brain couldn’t convinced my legs to keep moving. So, I decided that I would just surrender. But I didn’t need to surrender. I needed to press on.

So, I did. Not only did I run the hill once, but I circled back to run it again. I pressed on. Proving to myself that my body could carry me up that mountain-feeling hill wasn’t the reason I ran it twice. I ran it twice to prove to myself that I needed to press on. No matter what life throws at me, I need to press on.

Dear friend, I don’t know what may be going on in your life. Nor do I know what hills that you are facing that might feel more like mountains to you. What I do know is that you can make it. YOU CAN PRESS ON! Because, at the end of the day, as we are trekking up the mountains that life can put in our path, we’ve got to remember that His promises (our prize) are on the other side, and as long as we are going with Him, it doesn’t really matter where we are going – we just have to keep going.

 

 

 

Blessings,

Hannah

On Days When Your Calling Doesn't Feel Easy.

"It's not the load that breaks you down, it's the way you carry it." - C.S. Lewis

As I think about great people in the Bible, and their callings, I often only think of their success, not their struggles. My friend Ana and I watched the movie Evan Almighty last weekend. The movie is loosely based on the story of Noah. Noah's calling was to build the ark. When I think of Noah's calling, a storybook picture of Noah on the ark with his family and a rainbow in the distance is what comes to mind. But there is so much more to Noah's calling than that. What doesn't come to my mind that likely happened could have been things like people telling Noah he was crazy, or perhaps he hit his finger with a hammer a few times, maybe Noah even doubted his calling. I can assure you that whatever Noah went through during the process of fulfilling his calling, it wasn't easy.

Mary's calling is another that comes to mind. I am sure that many of us probably picture her calling as a tender-moment in a stable, with an angel above the manger that held her precious son. But again, how far that is from the complete truth. Mary not only became pregnant before marriage, but she also carried a child that was not her husbands, and then to top it all off, she gave birth in a barn. I wonder if in the laboring moments of childbirth Mary questioned her calling.

Being a school counselor is much more than a job to me - it's a calling. When I started my M.Ed. program in school counseling, I only thought of the glamorous moments of my calling. You know, the happy moments on graduation day, or the times when I would help a student overcome something that they are struggling against. I didn't picture the other side - the times when I would see the words "I'm sorry" cut into a young ladies arm because she doesn't know how to deal with the pain she feels, or the times when I would beg a young man to not drop out of high school because he has so much more potential than he realizes.

Some days, and I am sure that many of you can relate to this, my calling feels heavy. As a matter of fact, today it feels very heavy. You know what though, today I have realized that I am carrying my load the wrong way. I am carrying far to much of it on my shoulders, and not offering enough of it over to Him. I am carrying the burdens of the students that I am called to help, but feel like I don't have the strength, because I am not supposed to do it in my strength. I am called to do it in His strength.

Philippians 4:13 is a familiar passage to us all. I actually think it was one of the first verses that I memorized as a child. Today is means more to me than it has my entire life, those 11 words have reminded me of something so very important. I am called (and the calling isn't always easy), but I am never forsaken, because I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.

If you feel weary with your calling today, allow yourself to take a load off and rely on His strength. That is exactly what I am doing, and I am so thankful that His strength is perfect, when my strength is gone.

Blessings, 

Hannah

Overcoming Church Hurt.

I’m a pastor’s kid. I’m sure that the majority of my readers know that. I have literally grown-up in the church. Through the years, I have seen so many people loved and accepted by the church. I have heard so many testimonies of people who have found forgiveness, healing, love and acceptance in the four walls of the church – I am sure that we have all. But, what I’ve begun to hear more of lately is the people who have found quite the opposite of love and acceptance in the church. Instead, they sadly found things like hurt, jealously, backstabbing, and lies. Church hurt is so hard for many of us to understand, because it seems so silly to think that people are being hurt in the place that they come to find love in acceptance. But, unfortunately, folks, so many people around us have experience/are experiencing church hurt. Church hurt does not only drive wedges between us and other believers, but also between us and God.

This post is for the person who has been hurt by the church. For the ones who have a sour taste in their mouth about church as a result of bad experiences they had in the church. I’ve experienced church hurt. And I am so thankful to say, that I have overcome church hurt. If you allow Jesus to heal your heart, you can overcome church hurt too.

So, you’ve been hurt by the church, and you are ready to overcome it – where do you go from here?

Lay it down. The first place you need to go after experiencing church hurt is to the cross. Lay your hurt at the feet of Jesus. He loves you. He doesn’t want you to be hurt, but He can’t heal your heart until you give it to Him.  

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

“Casting the whole sum of your anxieties on Him, for He cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7

Pray.  I know that it is a hard pill to swallow, but you need to pray for the person/people who hurt you. I know, believe me, I know how hard that is sometimes.  But, we must do it, because the Bible clearly tells commands us to.

                “But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” Matthew 5:44   

Don’t retaliate. It is a human instinct to say something to the extent of, “I’ll get him back” after experiencing hurt. We want to react in the flesh, but that is not what we need to do.  The Lord will fight for you – He’s got your back!

                “The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.” Exodus 14:14

Forgive. Forgiveness can be so tricky, and one of the most difficult things to do, so I want to remind you of a few things about forgiveness. Forgiving someone does not mean that what they did was okay. If they hurt you, that is not okay at all. What you have to realize though, is that when unforgiveness grows in your heart for long enough, it creates bitterness. Please, please, please don’t allow bitterness in. Forgive the person who caused your church hurt, not because what they did wasn’t wrong, but because you don’t want it to destroy your heart. Remember that Jesus Christ has forgiven the inexcusable in you, so why should you deny forgiveness to someone else? I know it is hard, but do it, you will not regret it.

“Bearing with one another, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you must forgive.”  Colossians 3:13

“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32

Reconnect. Do not turn against church completely. I know that is what seems like the logical thing to do after experiencing church hurt, but that this exactly what the enemy wants you to do. The enemy’s goal is to bring division, do not allow him the victory through your church hurt.

“And about all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.” Colossians 3:14

To the hurting, I am so sorry. I know how badly church hurt can be. Please forgive. Let Jesus love you. So often, as humans, we fall short, and I am sorry that your heart was hurt through the short comings of others, but today lay it at His feet. I promise you, forgiveness can change your life. Look at how your life has already been changed by His forgiveness, and imagine what peace you’ll find in forgiving others.  It is a wonderful feeling to have the burden of unforgiveness lifted off you.

Blessings,

Hannah

Love Has a Name.

It seems like at least one time each night an SPCA commercial plays during our television time. I know that when the first note of Sarah McLachlan’s song Angel plays, my husband will be reaching for the remote to either mute the television or change the channel. He doesn’t care for the commercial at all, especially by the third or fourth time. Looking into those sad puppy eyes just does in him.

When I was a child,  I remember a similar commercial trying to raise funds for orphaned children. I don’t remember the name of the organization. All I really do remember is that it was filmed near a set a train tracks. I can still see some of the children’s faces in my memory. Orphans.  Starving children. Desperate for help. Longing for hope. Needing a way out. Each of them praying for an answered prayer to come quickly. So sad, and heartbreaking.

It wasn’t until many years later that I held an orphan for the first time. In his book, Radical, David Platt has this to say in regards to orphans and orphan care – “ We learned that orphans are easier to ignore before we know their names. They are easier to ignore before you see their faces. It is easier to pretend that they’re not real before you hold them in your arms. But once you do, everything changes.”  Allow those words to sink in. That statement is SO powerful, and I can promise you it is SO true.

As much as it pains me to say this (and I hope that this comment doesn’t offend any of my readers), I feel as a culture, we have become quite “numb” to seeing these nameless orphans. We have grown used to see shirtless children with distended stomachs. So much so, that I would be willing to bet that it almost doesn’t even register in our minds as heartbreaking. I know that I may sound harsh at this moment, but I am stepping on my own toes as well. We see clips of third world counties on the news and don’t fully feel the “pang” that poverty should bring to our souls. What if we knew the name of each child living in poverty that we were exposed to? Would they seem more real to us? Would the reality of poverty be more real to you if you could snuggle with one of these precious children? The answer to all of those questions is yes. I know that it is the answer, because I have been there. I have heard the names of “the least of these” children and I have snuggled them in my arms, or spun them around in circle as we have danced.

They all have a name. They are NOT the nameless – even though sometimes it may feel that way. They not only have a name, but they have a purpose. Today I was given the opportunity to help be a apart of one of these children’s purpose.

My Haiti-sister, Paige tagged me a post from a young man named Luke who recently returned from a trip to PAP, Haiti. In Luke’s post he told the story of Nixon, who lives a top Cha-Cha Mountain. Luke was working on the building project that Haiti Under God has been working on for a few years on the mountain – and it is looking wonderful! Cha-Cha is such a fun place to be. I remember having a blast with the children the trip that the team I was with travelled up Cha-Cha, and Luke’s experience seemed to be very similar.

While fellowshipping with the children, Luke met a very special boy named Nixon. Nixon lost his mother to a complicated sickness when he was a young boy, and his father in the PAP earthquake in 2010, so he now lives with his elderly grandmother. I doubt that any of us can truly understand the level of poverty that Nixon and his grandmother face each day.  Because of the starvation and malnourishment that he has been subjected to, Nixon’s skin is cracked, and his stomach is bloated. He has also had delayed growth development – looking several years younger than that age he is (12 years old). 

Thankfully, God placed Luke and Nixon’s paths together so that Luke could help tell Nixon’s story. Pastor Maxeau, one of our trusted connections in Haiti, stays in contact with the people of Cha-Cha Mountain, and has offered to take Nixon to PAP (probably a 5 hour trip from Cha-Cha, including time spent walking/riding a donkey down the mountain) to have him medically checked.  It is feared that Nixon may have worms, among other things, that need to be treated ASAP.  Maxeau has also offered to help purchase food and/or livestock for the family so they can become sustainable livers. Nixon was given the opportunity to attend school for the first time this year (he is starting in K-5), and he also attends church on Cha-Cha.

As we all know, getting things like this accomplished takes money. I am asking you to prayerfully consider choosing to be a part of helping Nixon achieve his purpose in life, by helping meet some of the basic needs that he and his grandmother have. If you feel a tug on your heart to help Nixon, donations can be made on Haiti Under God’s website at www.haitiundergod.org (put Nixon in the donation designation area, and 100% of the funds will go towards Nixon’s care). If would like to hear more about Nixon’s story, contact Luke at LukeSteen123@gmail.com .

These are pictures of orphans. Of scenes that we all may have become used to seeing – never wondering these children’s names. But they have names. Nixon has a name. Sema has a name. But most importantly, love has a name, and that name is Jesus. Show love today. Show Him today.

Blessings,
Hannah

Here is a link to Luke's Facebook if you would like to read more about Nixon - https://www.facebook.com/luke.steen.7.